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UFC fighter Luke Cummo has been suspended three months for failing a random drug test administered by the Ohio Athletic Commission. The test, conducted after his loss against Luigi Fioravanti at Saturday’s UFC 82 event, showed that Cummo had extremely elevated caffeine levels beyond anything the commission had ever seen before.

“Normally we don’t pay that much attention to the level of caffeine in a fighter’s blood,” said OAC commissioner Warren Petty. “But Luke Cummo’s readings were off the chart. At first we thought there must be a mistake with the test, but follow ups showed that our original findings were accurate. This guy must have been tripping balls in the Octagon.”

Athletic Commission standards allow a fighter to have up to 800mg of caffeine in their system. Luke Cummo is said to have over 23,000mg in his system during the post fight test. In his defense, Luke Cummo released the following statement explaining the test results:

Before the fight I pumped three litres of coffee up my rectum as part of an enema to break up persistent gallstones. Never did I imagine that a procedure I perform on myself regularly would result in my suspension. While I am disappointed at the narrow mindedness of the OAC and it’s inability to recognize the benefits of drinking urine and performing coffee enemas, I accept their ruling.

Cummo’s agent Ken Pavia was angered to hear the news of his client’s suspension. “It’s terrible, just terrible. No one takes better care of themselves than Luke Cummo. He eats nothing but mud and sticks, for God’s sake. For the OAC to suspend him because he likes to put stuff up his ass is absurd. If they’re going to suspend every fighter who does that, there won’t be anyone left to compete.”

When asked for his comment on the latest suspension, UFC president Dana White said “He put what up his where? Are you fucking serious???”

Contrary to a report published on Monday, UFC 82 fighter Luke Cummo has not tested positive for elevated levels of caffeine or any other substance following his Ultimate Fighting Championship bout with Luigi Fioravanti in Columbus, Ohio.

In fact, according to Ohio Athletic Commission executive director Bernie Profato, Cummo was not even one of the fighters tested following his bout. He stated that Ohio took a little bit different tact with UFC 82 to crack down on performance enhancing drugs and instead of randomly testing fighters, the state chose to test all of the winners.

“Only the winners were tested and those test results will not be know for approximately 10 days to two weeks,” said Profato.

Cummo lost a three-round unanimous decision.

The report in question appears to be a “spoof story” posted on the Fightlinker website, taking a satirical jab at Cummo’s oft discussed alternative approach to diet and health. It was however picked up and reported as news by at least one other website on Monday.

Regardless of the intention of the story, Profato took the report seriously, as it specifically quoted a fictitious Ohio Athletic Commission representative, fighter agent Ken Pavia, and UFC president Dana White.

He seemed most concerned that a false story such as this could hurt a fighter’s credibility and his future in the sport. Profato isn’t overlooking the seriousness of the matter, saying, “I’ll be contacting the state’s Attorney General office (on Tuesday) to see what options we have in this type of matter because this is absolutely not true.”